How Waiting Too Long Changed My Heart

I’m turning 29 this year and I’m still waiting for my life to unfold– at least that’s what I thought. I’m not a pessimist nor a realist, I’m in the middle. I think I’m too optimistic.

When I was a kid, I’m very excited to graduate so I can start working and help my family. So, when I had the chance I worked as a part-time service crew in McDonald’s when I was in second-year college.

I felt that the wage salary was not enough, so I was impatient and can’t wait to finish college so I can start working and have enough salary every month to support everyone. I did my best to get good grades and finish college without any backlogs.

I did good, and graduated. Two days later I started working in a big and a great company. I had good pay, I had great friends, had the best perks and parties.

But then again, I was impatient, thinking that what I’m getting was not enough for me and my family. I was impatient to get more money for everyone.

So I left my first company and moved on to my second job.

It was a nice company though the salary which made me apply was not near the explained wage. I felt deceived but sad, but I had good friends that felt like family.

But then again, I was restlessly eager for change. I thought I will take the national boards, work as a nurse then work out of the country to get enough funds for everyone.

So I resigned.

I passed the nursing board exam. It was an accomplishment for me, I was a registered nurse. There were almost 400,000 or more new nurses. I was one of the thousands who passed resume over and over to the hospitals that were on FREEZE HIRING due to the overwhelming number of applicants. I tried for one week, but I then I got impatient, so I applied to a non-hospital company, again.

I thought I can’t wait for the hospitals, I need to work to get enough money for everyone.

I worked for another 10 months, got impatient and tried applying in other companies who can offer more than what I need, just to have the funds I thought would make me feel contented.

I got hired, then resigned, then got hired, then quit until I got sick that I can’t work anymore because my asthma relapsed. I can’t complete reading an entire sentence without coughing and can’t breathe naturally without my inhaler. I can’t walk long distances, can’t laugh my heart out without feeling suffocated.

It was devastating.

I stopped working for three months until my father was brought to the hospital in the same institution where I end up volunteering as a nurse. I indignantly refused initially, thinking I need a job that would support my family.

So, I was surprised that I got a call for orientation.

Then to make the story short, I got in and volunteered for six months. I tried my shot applying in my dream hospital, I got in and started working as an Emergency Nurse. I was happy and excited.

After a few months, I got impatient.

I thought I need more than what this institution can offer. I took the English exam and passed. I was excited to apply in different countries even though I’ve been a nurse for just one year.

I applied in Ireland, passed the initial evaluation.

It was all good until I failed the final interview.

I asked God, what happened. I’ve been waiting for ten years for this interview and FAILED. It was so shattering that I cried so bad, not only that I feel so devastated that I failed, but because I needed to be strong for those who believed in me.

I continued with my life, worked as a nurse and counted the days.

I got so impatient that I applied again in a different country, hoping this time it will be different.

I got the letter everybody needed so bad, I’ve got the experience, the outstanding hospital background, all the requirements needed, but then again — I am still waiting.

And this time, it’s a different story, the most tormenting of all the times I counted the days for. I can’t see the end of the line, I can’t see what I need to wait for, I don’t know when will it come.

There were a lot of nurses who applied from all over the world, there were no slots for this year or for next year until who knows? They will just email me to wait for something they’re not even sure of because I am waitlisted.

I was frustrated, annoyed, embitter and dejected.

I used up all my leaves last 2018 thinking I will be out of the country by February 2019.

I was wrong.

God wanted me to wait. He wanted me to be patient.

He wanted me to appreciate everything that He gave me. The experience, the family, the support, the compensation, the laughter and the heart to overcome rejections and failure.

Of all the times I waited for a happy ending, I overlooked everything that I have that others don’t have. I kept on telling people to appreciate what they have but I can’t even practice what I preach.

Hypocrisy at its finest.

That’s when it started to hit me, I may not be able to leave the country next month, or the next or who knows. But I don’t want to be frustrated anymore, I wanted to make the most out of my current situation be bolder with my goals, real thought-about goals. I want to be ready with what God has for me in the future.

People need to learn to be appreciative, be creative, think life ahead and take advantage of the lessons learned in our wrong decisions. Grow, be happy and make sure not to make the same mistake over and over.

I thought I was not a pessimist, unfortunately, I was wrong. I was impatient and a complete pessimist. I did not make use of the circumstances where I used to be to grow, instead, I grieved and feel sorry for myself and moved on with life without thinking because that’s what I thought was right for me.

But then again, I was wrong.

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