After we got married, my father said “I hope next year we’ll start seeing kids running around the house.” Then I told myself, “yeah, I hope so too.”
I think everybody starts with this kind of thought whenever they get the urge to get pregnant. It’s a great motivation to be honest, but sometimes, it can be the beginning of something heartbreaking.
Well, after trying for 9 months (which is not that long unlike others who’s been waiting for 10 years), we learned a lot of unignored facts. One, pregnancy is not for everyone, that it takes time and a million cup of patience, and couples who wants to have a baby go through a series of stages.
Stage 1 – The “LET’S MAKE A BABY ASAP FEVER”
For some unknown and annoying reason, whenever a couple tries to be pregnant, they see babies everywhere. Sometimes, literally everywhere, in the most weirdest way.
Like for example, I was at the vaccine center last time, and they said that no support person is allowed not unless needed. But when I went inside, lo and behold, there was a beautiful and adoring baby just after you pass through the front door. I don’t know why that baby was there, but it’s pretty sure odd to see them everywhere.
I think, this is the stage where a couple gets excited in getting pregnant. They buy everything they need to concieve, and this is where everything starts to build – the trust, firm faith and mild anxiety. The brain tricks couples who’s trying to get pregnant to believe that it’s easy as ABC as long as you know the basics.
This is also the time where couples are happy and excited cause they believe that they’re on their way to meet their mini-me’s. This stage lasts for, I think 2-3 months for some, but for others, it lasts for 4-5months. It really depends with ones faith and patience. And on the last month, that’s where all the inevitable and depressing questions start.
Stage 2 – The “WHY CAN’T WE HAVE A BABY”
I’d say, this is by far the most heartbreaking and most expensive stage.
This is the part where a portion of the monthly allowance (the wife mostly) goes to ovulation and pregnancy tests. In addition to fertility appointments, medications, and random laboratory tests.
Couples tend to do a PT before the due date, which gives birth to guilt due to impatience and the urge to buy more tests. I think, this is one reason why the 6-days-before-missed-period tests were invented.
OVULATION TEST – a test that determines if a woman is fertile enough to get pregnant. Check the link for a more detailed explanation.
Anyways, I think, this is the stage where I’ve spent a chunk of my money from March to July. This phase broke my heart, not because I always get a negative PT (pregnancy test), but because I can see how my husband’s heart breaks every month. I want to have kids of course, but he’s the one who’s so ready to be a dad.
This is the period where all you ever think about is, “what’s wrong? Why can’t we have a baby? Is it because of me?”
Then you’re going to try everything just to get pregnant. You’ll start eating food you don’t like and never thought exists, all the sexual positions possible, take all the vitamins regardless how much it costs, and listen to every one’s advice till you get confused and exhausted.
And unfortunately, sometimes, this is the point in time where a marriage falls into wreck, regrets and whole lots of upsetting emotions. I think this one usually lasts for for 2-3 months, and for others, years. There’s more to this phase, but for now, I think this sums up everything.
Stage 3 – The “I’M OKAY WITH WHATEVER”
Also known as DENIAL. I think, this is the result of exhaustion, especially if you’re an impatient person. It’s also known as a mantra for people like me who likes to see results.
This is the phase where couples tell themselves that they’re okay with whatever result they get. Pregnant or not, they don’t care anymore. But in all honesty, they do, and it’s inevitable not to care.
The phase where a couple will tell themselves, sometimes out loud, that they’re okay if the test shows negative but cry deep down. In this time, couples, wives especially, have more control, they take PT on the due date or sometimes past the due unlike before.
And in this stage as well is where they look at babies and kids with bitterness. No matter how hard they tell themselves that they’re happy for a friend who just got pregnant, they can’t help but to feel envious. I mean, they’re happy, but at the same time, they’re jealous too. Furthermore, due to these reasons that they detach themselves to friends who have children.
I’d say this is the most difficult stage. It’s the time of their journey where they begin to realise the possibilities of walking through different crossroads. The road to hope that they can have kids, or the reality that having children is just not for everyone.
Stage 4 – The “IT’S JUST NOT FOR US, FOR NOW”
Finally, the acceptance stage where couples starts to realise that concieving is something that humans can’t plan in advance. Getting pregnant takes patience, faith and discipline. I think, after a few months of pondering and experiencing all the stages mentioned above, couples will start to accept everything naturally. There’s more realistic expectations and lesser anxiety.
Couples can function well, stopped asking questions people how to get pregnant and starts being happy for others. They know that having kids is a possibility, but knows that there are other ways to have children. There are those who have come to an understanding that children are not for them, so they go with adopting animals such as dogs, cats etc to make them feel better. And others considers adoption.
This is a fruitful journey, and I hope I can write a book about this someday.
When I was a kid, I heard a beauty queen said, “the essence of being a woman is being a mother.” Ever since that day, all I ever wanted was to be a mom. But after everything I went through, I’ve decided that I’m not suited to be a parent, so I forgot about it. Not till I met my husband. He made me remember what that beauty queen said.
But just like others, I was excited, happy and impatient. Then after going through all these stages, I’ve realised that there’s more to life than to be a parent. To be honest, we were happy that we went through these difficult phases in our married life. These helped us to be strong and have taught us something that we didn’t know we don’t know.
To whoever is reading this, believe that God prepared something for us. Being a parent may not be for us, but remember that everybody is born for a reason that’s beyond comprehension. Let’s be faithful and wait for that.